


Customs

by Anonymous



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Courtship, Crack, M/M, Shovel Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:15:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Customs and courtships. Both very serious, and at times quite superficial. But always unnannounced and never discreet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Customs

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say. I'm on a roll. It's something that a commentator said, and drew (here: http://durch-artist-wannabe.tumblr.com/post/40594252045/kili-ori-fili-co ) and this came out of my head.
> 
> i hope you like it, skpbt. I hope you do

It was dwarven custom for the Heads of clans to set an appointment and meet, to discuss the potential mate of their charges. They would spy on the love-birds, send missives and agree on crashing their date.

It was quite an awkward scene, this one here. Fili, Kili and Ori were walking up a hill and readied themselves for a friendly day out, when they saw their guardians, arms crossed, glowering at them beneath age-old eyes that told centuries of battle experience.

As per custom, each of the guardians grabbed their kin and shoved them to the back, keeping them as far apart as possible. As per custom, they took out their weapons and leaned on them, showing that they meant no harm but would not hesitate to leash out.

As per custom, it was the family of the younger ones that began. Thorin stretched to his full height, giving them the Glower that Scared Azog, axe in one hand, sword in the other. Dwalin let out a deep, earth-rumbling growl and displayed the two axes on his back, hands resting on his hammer.

“These are my kin, my heirs, my young. They have given their hearts freely, without compulsion, open to be broken. Should they be harmed, physically or emotionally, I will take it upon myself to hack of the extremities of the pretender at the joint and cast them off to sea!” Thorin’s voice boomed, shaking the ground.

“This is my kin, my heir, my young. He has given his heart freely, without compulsion, open to be broken. Should he be harmed, physically or emotionally, I will take it upon myself to hang those two liars on the lowest branch of the most public tree, gut them and stew their innards while they bleed to death!” Dori gnashed at them, swinging his weapon precariously.

“These are my kin, my heirs, my young. They have given their hearts freely, without compulsion, open to be broken. Should they be harmed, physically or emotionally, I will take it upon myself to hang the culprit by his ankles upon the deepest, hottest pit of Moria and leave him for the Balrog to enjoy!” Dwalin roared, twirling his hammer with ease.

“This is my kin, my heir, my young. He has given his heart freely, without compulsion, open to be broken. Should he be harmed, physically or emotionally, I will take it upon myself to tie those two cheats to the ponies by their beards and watch them be hauled into Mirkwood, where the Elves are sure to feast upon their flesh and use their skulls as lanterns!” Nori stated calmly, tapping the bloodied end of his mace.

Dwalin let out a laugh from the depth of his belly. “HA! You act as though you have already won! What makes you think that the honour of _your_ kin is worth more than that of princes! Heir to the line of Durin! In their wins flow the blood of heroes, of warriors, of real Dwarves! And what of you? Nori, the theif? The conman? The captor of sheep, the one dwarf incapable of using the forge, the liar and burglar and _shadowman_?

Nori cleared his throat, raised one finger in his hand and pointed; first at Dori, then at Ori’s knitted scarf, his mitts, his nose.

“Ori is polite, well-read, and, most importantly, _abso-fucking-lutely adorable_. Can you say the same for the heirs to the line of Durin?”

Thorin and Dwalin looked at each other, then to the two dwarves behind them. One had no sense of direction, the other could barely grow a beard.

One fussed with his braids, the other was picking his nose.

Thorin sheathed his sword and cleared his throat, Dwalin shook hands with Nori, Dori fixed Ori’s hair.

“Fair enough. Kili! Fili! You’re on your own!”

Their mission accomplished, their duties fulfilled, the four older dwarves left, chatting about _mead_ and _weddings_ and _coffins_ , leaving behind three perplexed youths.

Well, one perplexed, one frightened, and one just realising what was in store for his dwarfhood.

**Author's Note:**

> archive? yes, please, if you want to. just give me a heads up, yeah? ;)


End file.
